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I have a very lovely and talented friend who goes by the name of Lukas / Lukat. He wrote and illustrated a real actual graphic novel and is very famous now because it is real good. I bought it in my favourite bookstore and finished it later that night, in the light of googletranslate, hidden under covers.
I never quite liked comics as a kid. I only read them on holidays when I had already finished all my own librarybooks and had to read the comics my brother had picked out (some sort of compromise of my mum, who tried to get him to read). But recently I have discovered the joys of graphic novels. It is like watching a movie in your hands. I read them often in the library of Amsterdam. If you know of any good ones, you should let me know.
I was a very lucky girl because my copy is signed with a cat. Maybe you are not so lucky, but you could still get the book and then you are also a bit lucky.

376

Once I described my head as a big bowl completely filled with millions of fishes. The fishes come in all different sizes and shapes and patterns and they are constantly on the move, swimming swimming swimming. It's a great thing to look at this fishbowl. You will never be bored, because the view is constantly changing. But if you try to grab one of those fishes to hold on to it for a little longer, they just slip right out of your hands again and you are holding another fish all of a sudden.
Having nothing to hold on to can be very scary and makes you stop just right in your tracks. The trick for me is to act like a machine in order to create some kind of structure, or maybe in order to overshout the thoughts. Extreme focus on 1 dumb thing drowns everything else. You can just tell yourself that you have to spot all the red fishes and after a while you will see nothing else. It is a game I play while I am in busy, stressful rooms as well: I think of a colour or a number and then quickly run my eyes across the room and then it's like all the things of that colour just lightup and the rest gets dark and desaturated.
In highschool I used to do mathematical equations to escape from the big bowl of thoughts. These days I like to draw animals with indian ink. Trying to find the right shapes and lines and filling them in with hundreds of tiny dots. It is just like meditation, but with physical results, so even better.
It is not really 'art', but I put her with it to sort of justify the unerased pencillines and the unfinishedness of them all. I might show some more drawings like this some time. 

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 This morning another quick visit to my new favourite museum in Hamburg. I can never get enough of some dead mice. Especially when they look so cute you want to cuddle them or when they are so stiff they look like lollypops. It may be a bit creepy and not very appropriate to say this, but they almost look kind of delicious.
Besides the mice there are many more amazing things, like the mid-jump-cat, the kiwis, the funny sassylooking thing, the fetuses in jars, the colourful butterflies, the orangutan who drowned herself 5 years a go and is now forever flirtatiously looking at the other orangutan, who is blowing kisses at the lazy jaguar, or the gigantic bluewhale jaw-bone.. I could probably go there everyweek and never ever be bored.

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We have a very beautiful classroom. There is a lot of white and a lot of light and a lot of big windows and this all makes me feel very calm, so I like working there. There is also a fox watching over us and a couch to read books and a coffeemachine to stay awake, so what more does one want?

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I try to draw everyday, it's meditative.
A postcard to a friend and a breakfast at the studiodesk.

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Die Liebende [abermals] - Goethe
Warum ich wieder zum Papier mich wende?
Das mußt du, Liebster, so bestimmt nicht fragen:
Denn eigentlich hab' ich dir nichts zu sagen;
doch kommt's zuletzt in deine lieben Hände.

Weil ich nicht kommen kann, soll, was ich sende,
mein ungeteiltes Herz hinübertragen
mit Wonnen, Hoffnungen, Entzücken, Plagen:
Das alles hat nicht Anfang, hat nicht Ende.

Ich mag vom heut'gen Tag dir nichts vertrauen,
wie sich im Sinnen, Wünschen, Wähnen, Wollen
mein treues Herz zu dir hinüberwendet.

So stand ich einst vor dir, dich anzuschauen,
und sagte nichts. Was hätt' ich sagen sollen?
Mein ganzes Wesen war in sich vollendet.

This blog has become an ongoing loveletter to Hamburg.
I feel so at home here, but it still surprises me some times. This morning I got up late and walked outside. I got a coffee to go and walked through one of my favourite streets. There was a group of people getting a guided tour. And this is hard to explain but I suddenly felt so very much a part of this city and not at all like a tourist or a visitor. I've felt at home here ever since I set foot on these Hamburgian grounds, but I also felt a lot like all of this was not really mine and that I am just borrowing it all. I borrow this room, I borrow these streets, I borrow my place in the class, I borrow this language, I borrow the people I call friends here, I borrow the german habits I develop, etc... Or that most things are more of other people than of me. This all sounds very possessive but that's not quite what I mean. And I will not even try anymore to explain it because I've been sitting here for half an hour now, coming up with six million metaphors to try to explain this, but they dont work.

I just like the way things go and how I can feel more comfortable everyday and even though I have to leave again soon, it feels good to know that this city has really become much more than just a visiting place. It's also a scary thing. But commitment in any kind of way is scary.

On the photos are two beautiful, crazy minds and two beautiful views and neither of them ever fail to make me feel happy. 

371

The tulips have died by now, but tomorrow it's wednesday which means I can get new flowers again (It's always a surprise what they will have every week. On Wednesday they open and then close when they are sold out and open again on wednesday. I like this.)
Staying home, baking, cooking, writing letters, working, and going for a Spaziergang when there is no wetness coming from the sky and the cold doesn't cut through your skin too much.
This beautiful Eindhovian house always makes me feel at home even though it is not really my home.

370

Tagchen M! A real German friend in a real Dutch city with real German socks and real awesome shoes.
I am not making the thing about the socks up. A lot of people here have socks like this. I guess it's a German mum/grandma thing. I like them.
When Im 40 I'll come back here in Germany and become a German lady and work in a bakery and say Tachen and Tschüßi all day and knit socks for pretty German boys (although that may be slightly awkward if its just random boys and I'm 40 years old..) and have daily readings of "Die Sockensuchmachine" (the first German book I read. Der Roboter singt Jo wie Jo und Nas wie nass, so ein Name macht mir spaß! Spacknase!)

369

Tegenlicht.

Two wonderful days in a perfect Dutch weekend with delicious pancakes and coffee and lots of love and being happy. There is no way to not sound sappy with this.
If you find yourself in Amsterdam, I strongly recommend you let the little boat take you to the new EYE Film Museum. Even if you dont like films or museums, you can just be happy sitting on the stairs, drinking coffee and enjoying the view like we did for hours.

& in other news. I passed my German test, which means I am now officially a German babe. But in reality I still feel like a mentally disabled toddler when I try to talk to people, and I still dont manage to always get the lunch I would like and I still get headaches when I spent too many hours trying to understand people.
On the other hand it is also fun to learn a new language. I discover funny words and then try to incorperate them in my stories and then if people look really weird, it obviously didnt work, but if they dont, you just have a new word! And I notice I can enjoy the language in a new way. I have favourite words which I like to use but then friends say only old ladies use these words, but I dont have these connotations so I can happily still use them. And German is the most non-sensemaking language I know but it is also hilarious most of the time. Das ist doch klar wie Kloßbrühe!

368

Cycling in the cold is not always great, but the amazingly beautiful view makes it all worthwhile. This is what I see on my way to school. I couldnt wish for a more beautiful route.
But how beautiful it may be, I still cant wait for summer and hopefully I will be able to sail a bit then!

Auf dem See, Goethe
Und frische Nahrung, neues Blut
saug' ich aus freier Welt:
Wie ist die Natur so hold und gut,
die mich am Busen hält!
Die Welle wieget unsern Kahn
im Rudertakt hinauf,
und Berge, wolkig himmelan,
begegnen unserm Lauf.

Aug', mein Aug', was sinkst du nieder?
Goldne Träume, kommt ihr wider?
Weg, du Traum, so gold du bist:
Hier auch Lieb' und Leben ist.

Auf der Welle blinken
tausend schwebende Sterne,
weiche Nebel trinken
rings die türmende Ferne;
Morgenwind umflügelt
die beschattete Bucht,
und im See bespiegelt
sich die reifende Frucht.